What a Drag.

Wednesday 5-8- 13

Today was definitely an off day. For some reason I just felt so down! The classes went well at Grimm but the food wasn't that great. We went home and I practiced nanchaku for a little while. I decided I should probably shave my legs since I have been putting that off for a week and cut myself all over the place. What the heck? Bailey, the new girl came today. I got out of the bathroom and was placing a million pieces of toilet paper over my cuts to try and stop the bleeding when Bailey came in to say hello! Haha well if first impressions weren't so important I wouldn't have cared but when she came walking through the door I threw my towel over my legs and said hello. She seems really cool and very nice so I’m glad that she was able to come to China.

I headed out to go meet Lee and practice nanchaku... Disaster. Today was not my day. I was on the verge of tears I was so frustrated. I kept thinking in my head all the times that I have felt like this. The times where I have wanted something so badly but I just can't do it. Running : my knee on fire ,forcing me to stop. Swimming: practicing so hard and for so long and still being the alternate for an individual event at state. Sparring: Wanting so badly to move as quickly and effortlessly as Austin. The one thing that all those events have in common is that I never achieved them. Why? Well, I ran out of time for some of them and it’s impossible to go back, but I gave up. I have been making excuse after excuse why I can't do what I wanted to do. I was standing there on the basketball court swinging the nanchaku around like a pathetic American English teacher with no idea what she was doing, surrounded by a bunch of students and I decided right then and there this is where it’s going to change. I am going to go back to America in a few months whether I like it or not and I don't have time for excuses and pity parties. I need to suck it up and push through this. I ended the day with Lee translating on my phone “there is beauty in all things. You have not found the beauty.” it was almost enough to top it off and let the tears spill over but I knew he was right, I have been thinking too hard about it and I need to feel what I am doing. I remember Mr Maxfield showing us weapons and wondering what was different. How can he do that? It’s the same with Lee, they feel. I know I am sounding like a psychotic Mr. Miagi but the nanchaku isn't something you hold but it extends you... the only problem is how to I find it?

I headed back to my room still feeling pretty down on myself. Okay, I made the decision now why isn't there sparkles and awesome soundtrack music playing? I still feel like jumping off a cliff! What better way to feel better than to go running and get some endorphins running through my body right? Off to the track I went. I ran a lap and cranked out some pushups then ran another and felt my feet cramping up again... dang it. I did some sit ups and Russian twists and hit another lap this time my feet were worse and almost died on my last lap but I couldn't go home not running at least a mile.

I came upstairs to a message from Kelly saying that there were no classes Friday which normally would be a relief, it’s like getting a day off! But I really didn't care.

We celebrated Geoff’s birthday with some nasty pie stuff and I can't decide what’s wrong with me other than, it’s just not my day,

I am headed to bed pretty early now so I can just get this day over and done with and pray that tomorrow gets better!